Blessed and Depressed
Blessed and depressed: everything looks great on the outside, but inside a storm is pouring down. Until recently, I did not realize that 121 million people in this world suffer from depression. There are certainly many different types of cases, but a lot of people who suffer from it don’t necessarily “look” depressed. But let me tell you, God has opened my eyes and given me compassion and understanding. He has also shown me firsthand that He is our healer, and He still does miracles today.
A Penguin in the Sahara Desert
I had been struggling with an internal storm for months, but I kept thinking if I pretended it was not real it would blow over. One night at a football game, I realized that it was quickly escalating out of control. Now you have to understand, me being from Texas, that football and all of it’s fanfare is in my DNA! Through all of my school years and even into adulthood with the NFL, I loved being a part of the game day atmosphere. Not to mention the social aspect of seeing friends and rooting for the team with the community… I always loved it. So what I am about to tell you is weird. A few months ago I was sitting with my husband at a hometown football game where the lights were bright and the excitement around me was even brighter. In a very familiar setting, I felt as out of place as a penguin in the Sahara Desert. From my vantage point at the top of the stands, I could see groups of people talking and laughing. They looked so happy and connected. All of a sudden, my heart started racing and I just wanted to bolt…to get out of there.
Pull the Covers Over My Head
For the first time, the happiness, excitement and simply the presence of other people totally overwhelmed me. “How can they all be so happy and carefree? I just want to go hide under the covers of my bed.” I could not deny how I felt, yet it did not line up with who I really was. What was happening to me? I was able to calm down by repeating the name of Jesus over and over again.
This was all new to me. Social anxiety and depression had never been a problem growing up. Finally I obeyed God’s prompting to go see a doctor. It turned out that my feelings of anxiety and depression were legit. I had my blood tested and my A1C was high, which means I am at risk for type 2 Diabetes. I have learned that unhealthy blood sugar levels are linked to depression. For more info see this article: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/278640.php I opted to not take an antidepressant because for me, I know deep down, that when I get my blood sugar back to a healthy level, and get to the root of my issues, I won’t need it. The cycle looks pretty vicious though:
Unresolved pain + self medication of junk food = high blood sugar which triggers depression. And repeat.
But GOD!
But let me tell you about my God!! In my storm, God reached down and helped me! Actually, He never left me. In fact, He continually sent me help through the encouragement of His people. And He constantly nudged me to take steps toward the path of healing. To be honest, I chose to ignore a lot of His nudges. I opted to “press through” by staying overly busy and eating as my stress reliever. I was embarrassed at my current state, and felt like I should be able to get over it. See, I still prayed, read God’s word, went to church, listened to awesome podcasts and served on the worship team. However, I refused to let God get down to the nitty gritty with me! I never dealt with the root issues. Now it is apparent that God and His word are what sustained me during this time, and I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had not had Jesus. Nevertheless, I still had not completely submitted in obedience, and things were not getting better. I could not stop crying…I did not want to be around people…and I was even having thoughts of wanting to die.
Getting Real
One day, I was reading the Bible, and this jumped off the page: “Hear me, Oh God, as I voice my complaint.” Psalm 64:1
I got up and went for a walk, and for the first time, I got real with God. The floodgates opened! As I told God how disappointed, angry and hurt I was, I felt like He was very, very pleased with me! I couldn’t believe it! My belief was that complaining would be so disrespectful to God. Who was I to talk to Him like that? But that is not true intimacy is it? To tell Him how we really feel is to trust Him with our heart. Then I began to praise Him and believe (with more hope than I had had in a long time) that He was really going to get me through this. Many things happened to confirm and encourage me after that “get real” session. Little by little I started confessing more of my true feelings to God. Next I felt that the Lord wanted me to reach out for prayer. I felt so ashamed to admit my struggles, but one of the biggest things that catapulted me in the direction of healing was asking for prayer! When I got real, I was exposing the darkness to the light. God doesn’t have to use other people in our healing process, but in my case, He definitely did! I think it is beautiful how He uses His people to help one another.
In James 5:16 it says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective!”
Higher Ground
After my church small group laid hands on me and prayed for me, I finally had the strength to start eating my new healthy diet, and I made the decision to start seeing a Christian counselor. The positive momentum of obedience was taking me to higher ground! But this past weekend, I felt the light break completely through! A dear friend of mine gave me a ticket to a Women’s Conference called, “Designed For Life.” The presence and power of God was so thick in that place that just being there was giving me life! (Side note: the spiritual warfare to keep me from going to this conference was unbelievable). God definitely got the victory though! At one point, during the worship, anyone who needed prayer could go down and receive it. The Holy Spirit was nudging me to go, but I was apprehensive. I am SO THANKFUL I went down, crying and shaking the whole way. The 2 young ladies who prayed for me anointed my head with oil and prayed for me with all of their might. I am here to tell you that afterward, I felt significantly lighter and full of hope! As I write this, I am still feeling so much better that I hardly recognize myself! Praise God for His healing love!
To God Be The Glory
Fiends, I wrote this, because I want God to be glorified in what He has done! It is not fun to admit these struggles, but I want you to know that Jesus and the leading of the Holy Spirit is the true answer! Even when I did not want to face Him with complete honesty and trust, He never stopped pursuing me! The Lord used His people to help me, and showered me with His love! Listen, I am still going to go to counseling to deal with root issues, and work hard at taking better care of my physical body, BUT there is no doubt in my mind that when I finally got real, asked for prayer and asked the Lord to forgive me for ignoring His direction to seek help, He healed me in Jesus’ Name! And I know HE will lead you in a healing process, whatever struggle you have! Each of our journey’s are unique, but the common denominator we share is HOPE in Jesus. I pray that you will trust Him, for He is so, so good!